Witches and Wizards Today
by E.H.S
Summary: A nice blend between fanfiction and role play with a hilarious twist.
1. Witches and Wizards Today Introduction

A/N: This fanfiction/role play is written by my best friend Liz and I. We came up with the idea not too long ago and decided to collaborate on it. ^.^ We do owe some credit to the writers of a Ronin Warrior fanfiction called 'Guy Talk' who did a talk show kind of thing like this with the anime characters from 'Ronin Warriors', we just decided to do a talk show with Harry Potter characters and the characters of ourselves and friends. I hope you'll enjoy our genius and humour. lol  
  
Witches and Wizards Today Introduction  
  
The fire is black and the only indication that there's nothing wrong is a low, resonant voice.  
  
Host: "Hello, hello! Welcome to Witches and Wizards Today, a talk show dedicated to...you guessed it, Witches and Wizards...today!"  
  
The lights are brought up until a spotlight is shining on a large man with light blue skin, wearing a flashy purple suit and bright green tie.  
  
Host: He dons and ear-to-ear grin. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'll be your Host, Solmyr ibn Wali Barad. We'll be introducing you to such characters as Professor Severus Snape, Gilderoy Lockhart, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, and many, many more. I hope you'll tune in to a fireplace near you. And now a closing word from some of our sponsors."  
  
****  
  
The fire dims again, then rises to show a box of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans.  
  
Commercial guy: "Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. What's your flavour?"  
  
The box opens magically and the candy beans jump out in all directions.  
  
****  
  
Another face appears in the fire, this one belonging to a creepy looking old man with a raspy voice.  
  
Olivander: "Olivander's Wand Shop, where the wand chooses the Wizard. Be sure to stop in next week for our half off sale's event."  
  
Small print disclaimer under the ancient face reads: 'Note that school is already in session.' 


	2. Witches and Wizards Today Episode 1

Witches and Wizards Today  
  
Episode #1  
  
The fire blazes to life and the form of a large man with light blue skin appears in the dancing flames. He wears a sparkling green suit, bright red tie and an ear-to-ear grin.  
  
Host Solmyr: He stands there with a wide grin on his face, but doesn't say anything for awhile.  
  
Background voice: "You're on! Say something!"  
  
Solmyr: "Oh, sorry, sorry." He grins at someone hidden in the darkness, then looks back out to the audience. "Hello, hello! Welcome to the first show of Witches and Wizards Today! We have a special treat for our watchers. We're going to have the one, the only, the fabulous Headmaster Dumbledore on our show!"  
  
Applause and cheers can be heard off stage.  
  
Solmyr: He waves a hand, grins and nods. "Yes, yes, exciting isn't it?" He looks off stage for a moment and nods again whispering. "Well you didn't make those so-called cue cards very clear." He chuckles and returns his attention ahead of him. "And now without further pause, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore!"  
  
More claps and hoots of excitement are heard as another man appears. This one is tall and thin with a long silver beard and hair. His sweeping robes are dark maroon. As he turns to look at Solmyr, his face reveals glittering blue eyes behind half-moon spectacles which are set on the bridge of a long, crooked nose. He extends a slender hand and smiles cheerfully.  
  
Solmyr: He shakes Dumbledore's hand, then claps him on the shoulder, almost sending the ancient man off his feet. "Welcome to the show, Headmaster Dumbl..."  
  
Dumbledore: When he regains his balance, he raises his free hand and shakes his head slowly. "No need for such formality, Solmyr. Please, just call me Albus. And thank you for having me on your show as the first guest."  
  
Solmyr: "You're most welcome. Come, come and have a seat on the guest couch."  
  
The scene changes to a spot farther back on the stage and a hideous couch with a loud Hawaiian shirt pattern. The base colour is a bright red, the large flowers are banana yellow and the smaller flowers are sparkling mint green. It's large and looks rather comfy, but that doesn't change the nearly blinding colours of the thing. The two men approach the couch and the smaller one smiles cheerfully again.  
  
Dumbledore: "What remarkable taste you have, Solmyr. You must tell me where you found this furniture." He smooths out his robes and sinks into the couch cushions.  
  
Solmyr: He nods and grins, sitting down on his Host chair. "Of course! Frankly I was amazed to find it! Someone had it sitting outside, and when I asked how much they wanted for it, they gave me an odd look and said I could just take it! Can you believe it? They really seemed to want to get rid of a perfectly good couch!"  
  
Someone off stage clears their throat loudly.  
  
Solmyr: He glances off stage, nods and chuckles. "Right, right, the show." He turns back to Dumbledore. "I'm getting the impression my director wants me to get on with the interview, but I think it's time for a commercial break." He looks out at the audience again and grins broadly. "We'll be right back after a few messages from our sponsors, or some such thing."  
  
A short, jazzy tune is heard playing as the fire transforms into a commercial.  
  
****  
  
A pudgy little witch appears with a forced smile.  
  
PLW: "Feeling bloated like a balloon and wish you could float away? Does your broom protest and try to escape every time you attempt to mount it? Not as fast on a Quidditch Pitch as you used to be? There is a solution! Find relief in Herbal Magics. This remarkable new product, created by top Herbologists of the Wizarding World, can help make those extra pounds disappear!" She takes one of the small, green pills from the bottle, casts a mildly displeased look to someone on the side, then reluctantly swallows the pill. A puff of smoke surrounds her figure and when it clears the little witch is still standing there, coughing, but is now remarkably thin. She looks down at herself, blinks and speaks disbelievingly. "By Merlin, it worked. It actually worked! I don't believe it!"  
  
A close up of the bottle of Herbal Magics appears.  
  
Narrator: "Now that you've seen our product in action, buy yourself a bottle today! Only 10 galleons! This is a limited time offer, so don't delay!"  
  
Small disclaimer beneath the bottle reads: 'Bottle size may vary.'  
  
PLW: Her voice can still be heard in the background as the narrator speaks. "I can't believe that silly little product actually worked!" There's an eery pause. "Wait a minute, what are these purple dot.?"  
  
The commercial is abruptly cut off.  
  
****  
  
There's a flash of light from the corner of the fireplace where a Snitch appears and flutters in place for a moment. The Snitch zips out of sight and this time a large scarlet blur zooms by.  
  
Announcer: "It's the event of the season. Will you be there?"  
  
This time a green blur zooms by, then two Quidditch team crests appear side by side.  
  
Announcer: "The Irish National and Bulgarian National side by side in a competition the likes you've never seen."  
  
The two crests move toward each other. When they come in forceful contact, there's a minor explosion of yellow and gold sparks. In its place a golden cup appears.  
  
Announcer: "Buy your tickets today at your Quality Quidditch store before they get away."  
  
The cup fades and the Bulgarian team member Victor Krum and the Irish member Lynch are both holding the golden Snitch between them. They look at each other, narrow their eyes for a moment, then look back at the viewers and smile again.  
  
The two players in unison: "See you in the skies!"  
  
****  
  
The scene changes back to the original show. Dumbledore is lounging on the blinding, ugly couch, Solmyr is sitting in his chair grinning and the unseen band plays a brief song.  
  
Solmyr: "Welcome back! My those commercials certainly take up a lot of time." He chuckles and looks off stage again.  
  
A woman appears on the stage walking toward the two men with a tray in one hand and shielding her eyes slightly with the other due to the bright colours of the couch.  
  
Solmyr: With a snap of his fingers, he summons up an inflatable, plastic chair for the woman to sit on. "There you are, m'dear." He grins up at her, then mumbles something under his breath to her. "Have a seat, you'll be here a little while."  
  
The woman smiles faintly and takes a seat. She looks to Dumbledore, nods her head then turns to Solmyr so she doesn't have to look at the bright couch. Unfortunately for her, Solmyr's suit is almost as bright. She smooths out her skirt and frilly apron then rests the tray on her lap since the two men didn't want her to leave yet. She runs one hand through her medium length brown curls and sighs slightly hoping she won't go blind.  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles, takes a sweet from the tray and pops it in his mouth. "This is our wonderful, and beautiful..." He winks at the woman from the corner of his eye. "...cook, Sulia! She'll be supplying all the goodies for our guests, and myself, of course." He chuckles again.  
  
Sulia: She smiles a little and waves. She looks at Solmyr again, then glances away since he's too blindingly colourful and notices she can only look at her lap or the jazz band. So she watches the jazz band and the band master contentedly instead.  
  
Dumbledore: He eyes the tray with sparkling blue eyes as he tries to decide which sweet he wants to start with.  
  
Solmyr: Through a mouthful of chocolate, he manages to mutter something. "Albus, old boy, how long have you been the Headmaster of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry now? And would you say it's a tiresome or monotonous job having to keep everything in order?"  
  
Dumbledore: After finally selecting a nice truffle to eat, he answers with a warm smile. "Let me see, I think I've been the Headmaster for about, oh say, 20 years now." He chuckles gleefully. "I still enjoy the work as much as I always have. The students and Professors are delightful to work with and speak to. Though, like everything, there can be a few...difficulties, it's nothing that can't be overcome."  
  
Solmyr: He swipes another candy from Sulia's tray. "Are there any particular events that stand out in your mind?"  
  
Dumbledore: "Well...for a while Slytherin had the cup and that wasn't very good for the morale of the other houses." He wrinkles his nose. "It makes a rather stagnant environment when only one house keeps winning. You need a little variety to keep things competitive and fun."  
  
Solmyr: "Wasn't there a little trouble with the basilisk, Philosopher's Stone, a certain prisoner of Azkaban, and so on?"  
  
Dumbledore: "Oh pshaw. Things were taken care of in due time with the help of the talented staff and young Mr. Potter. It's not like those problems went on for seven years or so."  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles and nods. "I quite agree, quite agree." He pauses a moment. "Now, let's see, what was the next question?"  
  
Director: From somewhere off stage he clears his throat again.  
  
Solmyr: He looks over at the director curiously, then sighs and looks at the viewers. "I'm told it's time for another commercial break. Don't worry, we'll be right back."  
  
Again the jazz band strikes up a short chorus.  
  
****  
  
Words appear in the flames that read: Mystical Travels R Us.  
  
Misty background voice: "I foresee a trip to far away places. My crystal shows me you will thoroughly enjoy your next vacation if you book with Mystical Travels R Us Travel Agency."  
  
A small, globe shaped ball appears, and as it turns a message can be seen written on it. 'Mystical Travels R Us: Your Portkey to the World'  
  
****  
  
Announcer: "There's a world of candy here at Honeydukes. We have all kinds of flavours and treats."  
  
Chocolate frogs, canary creams, sugar quills and fizzing whizzbees bounce around in the fire.  
  
Announcer: "We have everything you could want and more. Honeydukes sweet shop, located in Hogsmeade, come see us for all your sweet tooth needs!"  
  
****  
  
And again the scenario transforms to the Witches and Wizards Today show with the band playing a little melody. A close up of Solmyr's face appears as he licks his lips.  
  
Solmyr: "Mmm, perhaps after the show I'll pay Honeydukes a visit." He glances sidelong at Sulia and his cheeks turn a light purple.  
  
Sulia: She raises an eyebrow and smirks at Solmyr. "I can make anything they advertise." She laughs a bit to herself and nibbles on one of her candies.  
  
As though a Muggle camera was turning, the view shifts to a young man of about 17 years with blue hair and a couple of piercings. He smacks his lips together and nods at Sulia's statement. He can just barely be heard mumbling. "That's right. She can make all those sweets and more." He notices that he's now the focus of attention and frowns, then nods curtly to the stage. Suddenly the scene changes back to focus on Solmyr, Sulia and Dumbledore again.  
  
Solmyr: "In that case we have our own personal Honeydukes." He chuckles.  
  
Sulia: Her smile softens and she once again turns her head to look back at the jazz band. She nibbles on another candy and lets Solmyr continue with the interview.  
  
Dumbledore: He watches everything with an amused expression on his face as he helps himself to more of the little goodies on Sulia's tray.  
  
Solmyr: He grins broadly and glances at the band off to the right side of the stage. He shakes his head, chuckles again and turns his yellow eyes to Dumbledore once more. "Now, what's your opinion of how the Ministry of Magic runs things? Do you believe their policies are sound ones? Or do you think there might be a crack in the pot running everything?"  
  
Director: "That's crackpot! Not crack in the pot!"  
  
Solmyr: He blinks and quickly tries to correct himself. "Right, a crackpot running everything."  
  
Dumbledore: He chuckles merrily and places his hands on his knees. "Ah, you must be referring to Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic." He continues to grin. "I believe he is doing a fine job, though I don't agree with everything he's done. In a way I'm pleased that he owls me for advice. At least he isn't afraid to show he needs help on occasion."  
  
Audience member: "On occasion? More like constant basis!"  
  
Dumbledore: He clears his throat and chuckles again. "Yes, well, it's quite a burden being the Minister of Magic, I can imagine."  
  
Solmyr: He looks in the direction of the director and nods. "Well it seems our time is almost done, so I'll ask one more question. If you could have one wish, what would it be?"  
  
Dumbledore: "The easiest question you've asked thus far, Solmyr. I'd have to say I'd wish for more socks. As I've said before, one can never have too many socks, and I believe some of the house elves have been stealing mine." He laughs.  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles and stands up, then offers a hand to Dumbledore. "It was great having you on our show today, Albus. I hope you'll visit us again soon."  
  
Dumbledore: He rises to his feet and shakes hands with the very large, blue skinned Host. "It was a delight being here, Solmyr." He grins, takes a couple more sweets and slowly makes his way off the stage.  
  
Solmyr: He turns to the audience. "That's all the time we have for today, but I hope you'll join us for an even more exciting installment next time." He nods and waves to the viewers with an ear-to-ear grin.  
  
A few final notes are played by the band in the background as the ending of the show. The lights dim, but figures can still be seen in the fire.  
  
Solmyr: He turns to Sulia. "Do you think that went well for our first show?"  
  
Sulia: She stands up setting the tray on her seat. "I think it went quite well." She bites her lip. "I'm still unsure about the couch. When the spotlights were on you and the couch, I thought I was going to be blinded."  
  
Solmyr: "Tut, tut. Nonsense. You're just not used to it yet, that's all. You'll be fine in a couple days." He chuckles and pats her shoulders.  
  
A few background noises can be heard as the crew is apparently getting ready to leave for the night.  
  
Sulia: She closes her eyes, shakes her head and walks off mumbling a bit to herself.  
  
A loud crash echoes through the room as the young blue haired man runs onto the stage and makes a cutting motion with his hand. "This means cut! In other words, stop showing and go home!"  
  
Solmyr: "What seems to be the trouble, Aaron?"  
  
Aaron: "This dunderhead is still showing us in the fir."  
  
The fire goes black and dies. 


	3. Witches and Wizards Today Episode 2

Witches and Wizards Today  
Episode #2  
  
Flames burst to life and a large form takes shape within them. As the scene clears, a tall, broad man with light blue skin and yellow eyes can be easily seen. His suit today is flashing silver with a sparkling ruby tie. As usual, an ear-to-ear grin is plastered across his face.  
  
Solmyr: "Welcome again, faithful friends and viewers. We have another special show lined up for you today. Indeed we do. Only here on Witches and Wizards Today can you meet the Witches and Wizards of our world." Mumbles almost under his breath for a moment. "Or perhaps by passing them on the streets of Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, or some other place."  
  
Director Aaron: Clears his throat in annoyance.  
  
Solmyr: "Of course, here is most likely where you'll find them!" He chuckles heartily. "Alright, alright, time to get on with the introduction of today's guest....Ron Weasley!"  
  
A few claps can be heard from the audience, but it's nothing overly cheerful, as a red haired boy of about 14 walks up to the stage. His face is nearly as colourful as his hair when he shakes hands with the oversized host.  
  
Ron: "H-hullo. Nice to meet you." He swallows hard and looks up, way up, at the blue skinned man in front of him.  
  
Solmyr: He grins broadly as his hand nearly swallows Ron's. He pats the boy on the shoulder and directs him to the ever present blinding couch and it's bright Hawaiian shirt pattern. The base colour of red seems even louder than before, the large banana yellow flowers almost seem to glow and the smaller mint green flowers sparkle under the lights. "Welcome to our show, Ron. Please, have a seat, m'boy."  
  
Ron: He looks at the couch and instantly turns his eyes away. His face contorts in disgust. "Gah! I think I'm blind!"  
  
Solmyr: He tilts his head to the side and glances from the couch to Ron, then grins and shakes his head. "Tut, tut. It's a lovely couch and quite comfortable, I assure you. Come now, have a seat. That's it, this way. Come, come." He guides the young boy, who happens to be shielding his eyes in an effort to keep his sight, to the great couch.  
  
Ron: He sits down with his eyes closed and hand over his face until he can feel his back leaning against the hideous thing he's sitting on. He finally dares to open one eye and looks around cautiously. He lets out a sigh of relief and grins lopsidedly.  
  
Director Aaron: Makes a few indiscernible noises off stage.  
  
Solmyr: He glances at the director and nods with a grin, then looks out at the audience. "It's that time again. Yes, I know you hate being taken away from our show, but we really must get to the commercials, otherwise there won't be a show."  
  
The jazz band plays a tune and Solmyr can be heard chuckling as the scene fades.  
  
****  
  
From the corner of the fireplace a small face can be seen. She glances around for a moment with wide eyes, then disappears from sight. Whispers can be heard in the background, but the exact words are impossible to make out.  
  
Finally the little girl runs out again, then stands in the center of the fireplace with an adorable smile on her face. Her medium blue eyes twinkle with all the wonder of a child of four, her long, pale blond curls bounce as she hops on her toes and she's wearing a cute little pink robe that perfectly matches the little pink wand in her small hand.  
  
Female Announcer: She laughs quietly for a moment, apparently amused by the little girl. "Mini Magic Robes and Accessories. All your clothing needs for those adorable toddlers at home."  
  
The little girl twirls around and smiles up at someone who can't be seen.  
  
Female Announcer: "Here we have little Tabitha..."  
  
A frown comes over the child's face and she crosses her arms with a sniff of disdain.  
  
Female Announcer: "Oh, alright deary. Here we have little Tabby sporting a lovely pink robe."  
  
Tabby: She spins around again, happy once more now that the woman got her name right. Suddenly her outfit changes to a small, blue robe with matching cloak, mittens and boots. She looks down at the change of clothing and makes a little 'o' with her mouth.  
  
Female Announcer: "We have robes of many colours and sizes for boys and girls. Come in and see us today!"  
  
As the fire fades, Tabby can be seen approaching a tall figure in the darkness and tugging on her skirt impatiently. The person looks down, laughs and nods.  
  
Female Announcer: "Yes, you can go play in puddles now."  
  
The fire goes black.  
  
****  
  
A tall, bone thin warlock comes into view. His claw like hands grasp a battered wooden staff and his empty crystal blue eyes stare unblinking ahead of him. When he speaks, his voice is as cold and emotionless as his face.  
  
Warlock: "For those who desire a relaxing brew after a long day, come to the Skeleton's Closet pub at the north end of Knockturn Alley." He lightly presses the tips of his fingers together and grins, revealing a mouthful of yellowed teeth. "And if you should have any familiars that are no longer useful, such as cats, owls or toads, you are welcome to bring them to us. I'm certain we can find some use for them."  
  
And the advertisement abruptly ends there.  
  
****  
  
The lights of the stage are slowly brought back up to reveal the Witches and Wizards Today show with the band playing merrily in the background. Solmyr sits comfortably in his host chair with a large grin and Ron shifts nervously on the couch trying to find a safe place to look.  
  
Sulia: Appears with a tray of sweets in hand and slowly approaches the two male figures. She casts a veiled glare at the couch, then replaces the look with a somewhat forced, yet cheerful smile as she offers the tray to Ron and Solmyr.  
  
Ron: His eyes light up when he sees the tray. "Wow, those look great!" He dives into the sweets as though he hasn't eaten anything in weeks. "Thanks!"  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles and watches the lad with amusement. "You know, that tray of sweets will be there until the end of the show."  
  
Ron: A grin spreads over his freckled face and he tries to speak through a mouthful of candy. "Sorry 'bout that." He closes his eyes tightly and swallows the lump of sweets in his mouth, nearly causing himself to choke. "I'll try to slow down."  
  
Solmyr: He waits until Ron empties his mouth after having grabbed a few more treats, then begins the interview. "Tell me, Ron, do you enjoy attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"  
  
Ron: "Oh yeah! It's great there! Of course, it'd be even better if they canned Sna...I mean, Professor Snape." His face again turns nearly as red as his hair.  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles again and takes a candy from the tray. "I take it he's not your favourite teacher then. Aside from the Potions Master, are there any Professors you dislike?"  
  
Ron: "Well, there was Lockhart. I still dunno what Hermione saw in that one. I mean, he was a complete dunderhead! Then there's Snape. He's just evil. I don't know why Dumbledore lets him stay. Binns the ghost Professor is so boring. He drones on and on about stuff no one cares about. I mean, when he was alive he was probably there for all of it. The guy's ancient! Not even dying could stop him from teaching. And Trelawney, she's a treat." He takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes. "I don't think she ever sees anything good in those stupid glass balls." He hunches his shoulders, makes circles with his fingers and puts them over his eyes, then tries to make his voice high and wispy. "I'm Professor Trelawney and I'm going to tell you when you're going to die and what kind of horrific accidents you'll be in that shall scar you the rest of your days, even though you'll have very few days to live. Because all I see are the terrible things that are going to happen to you. Let me draw up a chart of the stars that makes no sense to anyone but me and I'll tell you when and how you're going to die." He stops with a short laugh. "Then there's Filch. He's all but Snape's lapdog, I think. And there's Lockhart and Snape." He thinks for a minute, then grins again. "I guess I already mentioned them."  
  
Solmyr: He remains silent for a moment and blinks at Ron a few times, then a wide grin appears on his blue face and he starts chuckling again. "I see, I see. Well, it seems there are a few Professors you don't like. Are there any classes you do enjoy?"  
  
Ron: "Oh yeah. I love Hagrid's class about Mystical Beasts. It's the best just because Hagrid teaches it. And I like McGonagall's Transfiguration, even though I'm not very good at it." He shrugs and smiles.  
  
Solmyr: "Very good, very good. Hopefully you'll find more classes and Professors to like in the future. Now, let's see, what else is there? Hmm...." He thinks for a moment before his face brightens again. "You're good friends with Harry Potter, aren't you? Tell us, what's your honest opinion of him?"  
  
Ron: His face again turns rather pink. "Harry's one of my best friends. He's really great to hang around with. We get into all sorts of trouble together. The only thing I don't like is how much attention everyone gives him. I get ignored whenever he's around."  
  
Solmyr: "A pity that is. So what kind of trouble do the two of you get into?"  
  
Ron: He gives Solmyr a suspicious look, then shrugs. "Well, we've broken all kinds of school rules, but we haven't been expelled yet. I think that's cause he's always saving the day. We've wandered around at night when everyone else was in bed, but we had his invisibility cloak to hide under so we wouldn't get caught. During our first year we went to the corridor on the third floor that was supposed to be off limits. We've used magic outside of class. Stuff like that."  
  
Solmyr: "Were you ever afraid one of you, or both, might end up hurt or killed?"  
  
Ron: "Definitely. I mean, we did some really dangerous stuff. There was some Devil's Snare that we fell into. I thought it was gonna strangle me to death. Thank goodness I managed to stay calm." He glances around nervously and his ears turn a bit pink. "Then there were the spiders in the Dark Forest. I didn't like them at all. There were lots of times I thought we were gonna die."  
  
Solmyr: "Odd how that never stopped you from getting into more trouble than you should. Lucky Harry was always there to help you out, eh?" Ron: He frowns a bit and nods reluctantly. "Yeah, I guess. I could've handled it myself though. It's not like I don't know anything. I know as much stuff as Harry does."  
  
Solmyr: "Of course you do, of course." He glances at the director off stage again and nods. "And again it's time for our sponsors to say a few things. We'll be right back."  
  
The band strikes up a short melody again as the scene changes once more.  
  
****  
  
A beautiful young witch appears in the flickering flames with a bright smile on her face.  
  
BYW: "Greetings and salutations. Are you looking for a new pet? Perhaps a replacement for one that's died or retired? Here at the Owl Emporium we can help you find the perfect match from the animal world. We have creatures ranging from Puffskiens and owls to bats and toads. Anything you, your partner or your child might need. Young or old, it's never too late or early to get yourself a familiar. Come in and browse our selection of fine creatures from all corners of the Wizarding World. You won't be disappointed."  
  
Words float across the bottom of the fireplace for directions to the store: We have a newly opened store located in Hogsmeade for your convenience. We can be found near the Three Broomsticks.  
  
****  
  
An older wizard with kind and gentle eyes smiles out at the viewers through a pair of triangular shaped spectacles which are set on the bridge of his short, bulbous nose.  
  
OW: "Hello, I'm Quagmire Stuffing. Did you break your favourite toy? Perhaps you'd like it fixed, or maybe even get a new one. Then you'll have come to the right place if you visit my shop, Stuffing and Patch. My partner, Somia Patch, and I are experts at toy repair. Don't be late, our grand opening rates are only going to last the first week. You'll find us right next to Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley."  
  
****  
  
A merry song plays as the flames spring back to life and the show returns to view.  
  
Solmyr: He sits in his chair looking out at the audience with a wide grin. "Welcome back friends and watchers. We're sitting here today with Ron Weasley, a good friend of Harry Potter's." He turns his attention to the freckle faced, red haired boy sitting on the hideous couch to his left. "Now, where were we, m'boy? Ah yes, I remember now. How long have you known Harry now?"  
  
Ron: He smiles awkwardly at the audience, then looks back at Solmyr with a frown. "About four years now, going on five."  
  
Solmyr: "And would you say you've been friends since you met?"  
  
Ron: "Yeah, pretty much. I mean, at first I just thought, 'Whoa, that's Harry Potter. THE Harry Potter. He's even got the lightning scar!', but he turned out to be pretty cool. I thought he'd be some kinda rich, snot nosed jerk like Draco Malfoy."  
  
Solmyr: "Is it true that this Draco Malfoy lad is your nemesis?"  
  
Ron: "Uh huh. He's a real pain. Even more than Hermione used to be. I mean, he's not as smart as she is, but he's also not as nice." He blushes faintly and tries to hide it by looking at the tray of sweets again.  
  
Solmyr: He grins and chuckles. "Would this Hermione be a crush of yours?"  
  
Ron: He chokes on the candies he just stuffed in his mouth and looks disgusted, but his face turns as red as his hair...again. "No, of course not! I'd never have a crush on her!"  
  
Solmyr: "Oh, of course not." He grins and winks. "Are you looking forward to starting your fifth year at the school?"  
  
Ron: "Uh, yeah, I guess. I'm sorta wondering what kinda stuff's gonna happen this year though. I mean, it seems like every year there's some new disaster." He narrows his eyes for a moment and mutters. "And of course Harry gets all the credit for taking care of the problems that spring up even though I'm always helping him. He never would've got through that chess game without me."  
  
Solmyr: "Well at least you can't say you're bored at school." He chuckles. "Do you think that if another 'disaster', as you call it, comes up Harry will be able to deal with it?"  
  
Ron: "I thought this interview was supposed to be about me. Why are you asking so many questions about Harry?"  
  
Solmyr: He mumbles almost incoherently for a few seconds. "Because Harry wasn't able to make it to the show today to be our guest." He clears his throat and grins again. "I'm sorry, I hadn't realized I was doing that. So, do you?"  
  
Ron: "Do I what?"  
  
Solmyr: "Believe that Harry will be able to handle any troubles at the school next year."  
  
Ron: He stands up in a huff and crosses his arms angrily. "Oh that's it! If you want to know so much about Harry, go ask him!" He storms off the stage muttering a few curses under his breath and goes out of sight. Director Aaron: He can be heard sighing with aggravation.  
  
Solmyr: "Dear me, I guess it's true what they say about red heads." He chuckles, apparently unaffected by Ron's outburst. "Well, it seems we still have a bit of time left for our show, so how about I introduce the people I work with?"  
  
The audience claps and cheers. It's uncertain whether they're clapping because Ron Weasley is gone, or because they wish to meet the staff.  
  
Solmyr: "Very well, very well. As soon as we're back from yet more commercials, I'll begin introducing people."  
  
Another lively tune plays out as the scene fades and shifts.  
  
****  
  
Female Announcer: "Looking for a change because you're tired of the same old drab hair colour? Well search no further! Some of the greatest, most famous Witch cosmetologists have discovered a spell that will change that boring style you look at in the mirror every morning. All you need to do is tap your hair with your wand twice, like so..." The woman demonstrates briefly. "...and say the words 'Fucate Pigmento Capillo'." As she casts the spell, her hair changes to neon pink. Despite the disapproval in her eyes over the colour, she smiles cheerfully. "Just continue to cast the spell to get your hair the perfect shade of anything!"  
  
A small warning shows beneath the woman's face: Use of this spell more than ten times may result in irreversible effects or 'rainbow syndrome'.  
  
****  
  
From the edge of the fireplace a red haired lad can be seen arguing with someone.  
  
Red haired boy: "You're not getting me out there! Not after all that!"  
  
Male announcer: "It's in your contract, now get moving!"  
  
Red haired boy: Walks out with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face as he looks off to the side. "Fine, but I'm not going to enjoy this." He looks out to the audience.  
  
Male announcer: "Just read the cue card, then you can leave."  
  
Red haired boy: "I'm Ron Weasley and I'm here to tell you about the sale at Honeydukes. You can find Toothflossing Stringmints, Peppermint frogs, Jelly Slugs..." He grimaces for a moment apparently recalling some horrendous experience with slugs. "...coconut ice and much more. The stocks are over-filled, so everything is half off. Hurry and get there before the sale ends!" By the end Ron is licking his lips and grinning. "I gotta get there!"  
  
The fire dims again.  
  
****  
  
Solmyr: "Welcome back to the show!" He looks around at the audience with a wide grin. "Alright, I believe it's time for introductions. I think we have just enough time left to get through them all. To my left here is Sulia. She's our resident baker of goodies for myself and our guests. Also she will be getting her own segment on our show to teach us all how to make some delightful treats! I'm quite looking forward to it, as should you."  
  
Sulia: She blushes faintly, not having known about this apparent promotion, and thanks Solmyr kindly for the generosity.  
  
Solmyr: "Quite alright, dear, quite alright." He stands up from his seat and walks off stage. "This here is our director, Aaron Hayden."  
  
The scene shows a blue haired boy of about 16. His outer right eyebrow is pierced with a loop ring, there's a stud in the left side of his nose and an earing in his left ear. All of the jewelry is silver. He's fairly slim, but still somewhat muscular, light skinned and is wearing a blue Muggle tee-shirt, what used to be a white dress shirt, the sleeves have been ripped off as well as all the buttons and the collar, faded blue denim cut off shorts that come down to his knees, a pair of grey longjohns under the shorts and a pair of black army boots without laces. He smirks at the audience and nods.  
  
Solmyr: "Don't let his shabby appearance fool you, folks. This lad is very capable of keeping this show running smoothly."  
  
Aaron: Waves a hand so the attention will be drawn elsewhere.  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles and nods. "A bit shy, I think." He winks at Aaron, then moves on to the next person. "Off to the side defending his job as the bouncer is Julian. He's Sulia's little brother, though some might wonder about how 'little' he's supposed to be." Chuckles again.  
  
The camera spins around rapidly to view a tall, muscular lad who looks about 17 years old. He has shoulder length blond hair tied back with a few loose curls hanging down. His eyes are a dark green and he's relatively pale skinned. He's also decked out in a black suit with green pinstripes, a green silk shirt, black vest and black neck tie. A long, lustful sigh can be heard from the female portion of the audience.  
  
Julian: He grins and waves to the people at home and in the studio, then blows a kiss and bows to a few of the ladies present.  
  
Solmyr: "Gents, it's advised you keep a stern eye on your wives and daughters. This may very well be the 15 year old second coming of Lockhart." He pats Julian on the shoulder and walks off in another direction. "Up top there we have Holly Spenser working the lights. She prefers darkness, but lets shine on her for a moment."  
  
The camera pans to a young girl of 15 sitting on a catwalk controlling the spotlights. She smiles weakly and gives a little wave, obviously not enjoying the idea of being the focus of attention. Her long, dark hair is pulled back in a braid, and she's wearing a puffy black shirt with black trousers. Everything else is hidden in shadows, including most of her face.  
  
Solmyr: Takes a cue from Aaron and nods. "Well, I'm told that's all the time we have for today. It's unfortunate that we couldn't get around to introducing everyone who works on the show, but there's always next time to look forward to! Please tune in again for our next episode of Witches and Wizards Today!" He waves as the lights go down.  
  
The camera tilts downward to show part of the floor, but is still showing the stage. A few lights come back up and people can be seen moving around. As they slowly filter off stage, Sulia can clearly be seen walking back up to the couch with a large blanket in hand. She quickly covers the couch with it, glances around then smiles to herself and nods at her work. She can be heard sighing with relief as she disappears off stage.  
  
Aaron: "If you don't learn where the off switch is I'm gonna make sure you find out in the least pleasurable way possible." He growls at the camera person and starts walking forward.  
  
Shortly after, everything goes dark. 


	4. Witches and Wizards Today Episode 3

Witches and Wizards Today  
  
Episode #3  
  
The low spitting of the fire gives way to roaring flames as a dimly lit scene begins to unfold. The large blue host of Witches and Wizards Today, otherwise known as Solmyr, heads up to the stage and stands before the couch with his hands on his hips. He can easily be heard chuckling to himself as he shakes his head.  
  
Solmyr: "Now who would want to cover up such a beautiful piece of furniture?" He again shakes his head as he deftly removes the blanket, and suddenly the dim lights blaze off the loud, nearly blinding, Hawaiian shirt patterned couch. "Much better, much better." He dusts his hands off and turns to walk off stage. He stops dead in his tracks as the house lights suddenly burst to life, the couch becoming almost impossibly brighter, and looks at the camera with surprise. It doesn't take long for his composure to return and an ear-to-ear grin replaces the stunned look on his face. "Oh! Hello, hello! Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Witches and Wizards Today!" He glances offstage for a moment and can just barely be heard whispering "I didn't think we were supposed to start for another few minutes." Apparently receiving word from whomever he was speaking to, he straightens again and looks out to the audience. "We have a delightful show lined up for you today! As you can see, it's going to be very special." He lifts his feet from the floor and crosses his legs, his body hovering in mid air. "Since it's Halloween, I thought perhaps we could have a bit of fun with today's show. Instead of having actual guests, we're just going to dress up like Muggles do this time of year and relax for awhile." He clears his throat as his grin widens all the more. "As you can see, I'm already dressed for the occasion."  
  
The camera pans out enough to take in the full view of the host. He sports a pair of white, slightly puffed out genie pants, a white turban with gold trim and a crimson red ruby set in the center of the forehead, a white sash tied around his waist with gold thread woven through, white vest also with gold trim, and a pair of white, hook toed shoes. He somehow manages to look completely normal in the outfit, but that could be due to the blue skin, yellow eyes and silver goatee and ponytail on his otherwise hairless body.  
  
Solmyr: "Not bad, eh, not bad?" He gives the camera a playful wink, then tilts his head to the side slightly as a soft 'oink' comes from somewhere off camera, he looks around to locate the source of the noise, then seeing nothing he recovers with a grin and continues. "Let's see what everyone else is wearing, shall we?" He flashes another ear-to-ear grin as his eyes wander off stage, seeking out the first costumed employee to introduce. "Ah, how about our director? He's looking quite dapper today."  
  
The camera turns again to show the young, blue haired director of the show, Aaron Hayden.  
  
Aaron: His blue hair is slicked back neatly, he wears a white dress shirt, dark blue neck tie, jacket, slacks and a shiny pair of black shoes, looking very much like a Muggle businessman. He glares at the camera and tries to wave it away, but Remy, the camera boy, only pans in for a close up from feet to head until the director stands up and starts walking forward.  
  
The view locks onto Solmyr again ... quickly.  
  
Solmyr: "I believe we have time for one more before we need to go to commercials. So, who should we introduce next?" Again his eyes float over the room off camera until his face lights up. "Yes, perfect! Here we have Julian ... Ladies, please remain calm." He chuckles.  
  
The camera slowly turns toward the side of the room as if trying to build the anticipation.  
  
Julian: He grins charmingly at the crowd and blows kisses to random girls, who proceed to either scream, cry or faint. He's decked out in a pair of dark brown, knee high suede boots, forest green tights, the cuffs of a dark brown, skin tight shirt show from beneath the slightly rolled up sleeves of a forest green shirt, overtop of both shirts is a dark brown felt jerkin and atop his head is a dark brown archer's hat. His shoulder blade length hair is tied back and dyed brown with a couple curls hanging loose on either side of his face. A long bow and quiver of arrows is strapped to his back, and a sword is at his hip. He removes the hat from his head and bows to the audience, then stands again grinning. "In case those of the Wizarding community are wondering, I'm dressed as the legendary Muggle character Robin Hood." He blows a few more kisses, gives the camera a flirtatious wink, and waits for the attention to be drawn elsewhere.  
  
Someone can be heard clearing their throat loudly off camera, but the image of Julian in those green tights still fills the fireplace. After about three minutes, the view abruptly changes back to Solmyr. Another soft 'oink' is heard.  
  
Solmyr: He again glances around to locate the creature making the odd noise, but finding the efforts fruitless he just gets on with the show. He chuckles and grins. "Thank you, Aaron." He glances at the camera again. "I know the ladies are probably dying for more of Julian, but we really must get on with the show. There are still more costumes to see, but for now we have to go to commercials. Most of which will also have a Halloween theme. Stay tuned!"  
  
****  
  
A pair of red haired twins appear in the fire pit grinning brightly, though mischievously. One has a sweater bearing a large letter F, the other a similar article with the letter G.  
  
First twin: "I'm Fred!"  
  
Second twin: "And I'm George!"  
  
Fred: "And together we own ..."  
  
In unison: "Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes!"  
  
George: "Come see us at number ninety-three Diagon Alley."  
  
Fred: "That special discount for Hogwarts students is still in effect, but for a limited time only .... we hope!"  
  
George: Whispers low to his brother. "Maybe we should tell them some of the stuff we have to offer? After all, there's still a couple minutes left to this advertisement."  
  
Fred: He speaks in an equally hushed tone. "Yes, I think we should." He looks out to the audience beyond the flames again with a grin. "Let's see, we have Portable Swamps ..."  
  
George: "Nosebleed Nougats ...."  
  
Fred: "And all sorts of other delights!"  
  
George: "Yeah, so pop by soon before they're gone and we're forced to close shop to make more!"  
  
The two can be heard laughing as the commercial fades to blackness.  
  
****  
  
The face of an aged man with white, stringy hair and pale blue eyes appears in the flames.  
  
Olivander: "Come to Olivander's Wand shop in Diagon Alley for all your basic and advanced wand needs. As an All Hallow's Eve special, we're offering a limited time offer for Wands of Transfiguration. In need of a costume? Don't want to spend hours shopping for or casting spell after spell in search of the perfect one? Buy one of these specialty wands just for the occasion."  
  
Small disclaimer near the fire bed reads: Good for one use only, no refunds available, use at own risk as 'costume' does not necessarily mean 'clothing'.  
  
****  
  
Solmyr: The large blue host dressed as a genie appears in the fire again. He grins and nods to the camera. "Shall we continue with showing off?" He chuckles and nods again in the camera's direction. "Back there we have young Remy. Turn that thing around, m'boy, and reveal your costume of choice."  
  
The view swings full circle until a young boy with hair normally redder than a Weasley's comes into sight.  
  
'Oink.'  
  
Remy: He too looks around trying to figure out where the heck that sound keeps coming from, then shakes his head and looks into the camera. He smiles shyly, blushes faintly and gives a little wave to the audience. His costume, though he looks remarkably female and hard to distinguish as a boy, is of Dorothy from the Muggle movie the Wizard of Oz. Surprisingly fitting since the lad is from Australia. He sports a blue and white checkered dress that stops just below the knees, a white shirt underneath with slightly puffy sleeves, a pair of blue socks, glittery ruby-coloured shoes and a brown wig done in pig tails with spirals and tied with blue and white checkered ribbons.  
  
Not long after Remy's outfit is shown, the scene changes back to the host.  
  
Solmyr: "And a natural blush for those rosy cheeks." He chuckles and winks at Remy. "Well now, not many left to show off, then we can pan the audience to see them all dressed up as well. Next I think we'll introduce Holly Spenser."  
  
As the scene changes again, the camera stops briefly on the director.  
  
Aaron: He glares and points upwards to the rafters.  
  
The view continues tilting up until a young girl appears.  
  
Holly: From the rafters she gives a small wave and smile. Her clothes are entirely pink. She's wearing a pink, full length body suit that shimmers faintly, a small curly tail pokes out from behind, a pair of thin pink slippers with a look of cloven hooves at the toes, pink face paint, a set of pointy pink ears and a cute little pink snout. 'Oink.' She smiles again. "Obviously I'm dressed up as a piggy. Hence why I keep oinking too. Just a little enchantment I placed on myself." She laughs quietly, gives another little smile and waits for the attention to be drawn away.  
  
Solmyr appears in the fireplace again.  
  
Solmyr: "Who else, who else ...." He mumbles to himself as he looks around again. "Ah yes! I almost forgot our ominous looking bandmaster Kagato." He feigns a shudder and looks offstage. "Quite a frightening one he is."  
  
As the camera turns to view the band, the scene shakes just a little bit as creepy music plays in the background.  
  
Kagato: His prominent figure demands all the attention the moment eyes are focussed on him. He says nothing. Just stands there, stock still, expressionless and looming. He's dressed in a long, thick, black coat which is left open to reveal a pair of black pants, a crimson red pique vest, white dress shirt, and small crimson red neck tie. A black homburg hat and polished black shoes accent the costume, as well as the most striking finishing touch .... a pure white mask that covers his entire forehead, nose and tapers off to the right to reveal his entire mouth, but not his cheek. He slowly reaches up to his face and lifts the mask just enough to show a gruesome sight. The flesh beneath the covering looks as though it were burned, all that remains is yellowed scar tissue and very little skin. A few loud screams are heard from the audience. He replaces the mask, still without expression, and tilts his head forward just enough to nod to the camera.  
  
'Oink.'  
  
The camera quickly moves back onto the host of the show.  
  
Solmyr: While looking curiously at Kagato, he begins talking again. "Well that was ... interesting." He gives himself a shake and looks at the audience again. "And now it's advertisement time again. Don't worry, we'll be back."  
  
****  
  
The fire goes dark for a couple seconds at the beginning of the commercial when suddenly there are some howling sounds and a couple little glowing white and green ghosts start floating around. They're the source of the sound and after a moment a crusty looking old wizard appears with bright robes and a huge hat. He brushes the ghosts aside.  
  
CW: "Honeydukes has new creepy creations for your super Halloween sweet tooth. New in: Ghostly Gummies!" He reaches out and grabs a couple of the ghosts that are floating around. They let out a little screech as they're eaten. "Mmmm! Delicious!" He grins brightly. "And we have the ever popular Everlasting Gobstoppers!" He winks and holds one in the palm of his hand. "Willy Wonka's not the only one with them ..." He grins brightly and the candy vanishes. "... but we're the only others with the secret, so come on down to Hogsmeade and fulfill your Halloween candy wishes!" He holds his hands up and the fire is filled with magical sparkles as he and the commercial fade away.  
  
****  
  
A skantily clad witch appears in the fire dressed as Cleopatra. A bunch of weird dancy Halloween music is playing behind her. She does a little twirl and runs a hand over her hair when she faces the audience again.  
  
Enrica: "Enrica Arbuckle here reporting from the funnest dance tavern in Hogsmeade, Magica's Melodia Tavern. We've got a fantastical, spine tingling dj and lots of horrific wonderific music. There's refreshment and the most shiver inducing atmosphere tonight, so why aren't you here?" She giggles and flips her hair. "It's Halloween and there's still room so creep your way over. C'mon and get freaked out! Magica's is the place to be!" She twirls again before she and the music fade.  
  
****  
  
Solmyr: He stares off stage with a large grin on his face and a distant look in his eyes.  
  
Aaron: From off camera he clears his throat numerous times, then seeing as it has no effect on the Host, he starts whispering loudly. "Solmyr? Solmyr. Solmyr!" His voice finally booms. "SOLMYR!"  
  
Solmyr: "Not exactly what Cleopatra looked like, but certainly a nice touch ..." He goes on mumbling to himself barely audibly. Julian: "Allow me, Aaron." He grins broadly, scoops a small cauldron from the counter where Sulia is busy working away on some sweets. He walks back to the stage, moves behind Solmyr and .... CLANG!  
  
Solmyr: He drops like a stone from his hovering position and falls on his face.  
  
Aaron: "Damn it, Julian! Shock him out of it, not kill him!"  
  
'Oink!'  
  
Julian: "Uh, sorry about that." He grins and hides the cauldron behind his back. "Guess I forget my own strength sometimes."  
  
The female portion of the audience sighs at the innocent look on Julian's face and tone in his voice.  
  
Solmyr: From his place on the floor, he moans softly and blinks his eyes open. "What happened?" He rubs his head and stands up, then notices the camera on him. "Oh my, how long was I out for? Are we still doing the show?" After apparently getting confirmation, he grins from ear-to-ear again and starts babbling away. "Well, now that we're back from commercial break ..." He trails off momentarily with a dreamy look in his eyes, but a loud 'oink' snaps him back to reality. "Ahem, as I was saying, now that we're back, we can continue with the unveiling of costumes! Next on the agenda, and last I do believe, is Sulia!"  
  
The camera turns to the kitchen area where a young woman bustles around, apparently frustrated by something, until she notices the attention on her.  
  
Sulia: She sees the camera finally. "Oh ..." She reaches a hand up to her poofy sugarplum fairy hair. "Oh ..." She looks around. "Why are you here?" She looks at her table with half fixed goodies and smiles half heartedly. "I'm not quite finished the treats yet ..." She tugs at her poofy sleeves. "These get in the way a little bit." She has on a little silver tiara with diamonds, short silvery kid gloves, a wand with a pointy tip that sprays sparks randomly, a plum coloured dress with poofy sleeves and silver trim with a similarly coloured tutu skirt, and finished with a pair of silver satin slippers. She looks away from the camera and down at the counter with her hands on her hips and a soft frown. "Now where's that cauldron gone off to? It was here just a minute ago ..."  
  
'Oink.'  
  
Solmyr: He tuts and shakes his head, then gets a mischievous grin on his face. He snaps his fingers, clears his throat and nods toward Sulia.  
  
Sulia: Her once pale, creamy white skin is a royal blue in colour, her green eyes have turned a solid yellow, and her once brown hair is now silver. In addition to the physical transformation, her costume has also been changed. Instead of a sugarplum fairy, she now adorns a female genie outfit. The white top, while not overly concealing, has wide straps with gold embroidery, the bottom of the top stops just below the breasts and is shaped in curves to accent the form beneath, also with gold embroidery and trim, and has eight strings of beads running down from the center that stop at the belly button. The white, hip low skirt has a thick, wide band with gold embroidery, slits up either side that stop at the hip band, the material is thin and flowy with gold trim and vine embroidery along the edges and hem. Under the skirt is a pair of thin, white, form fitting pants. On her feet is something that looks like chain mail, delicately linked, that only covers the tops of her feet. A long, white satin shawl finishes the costume. She looks down at the sudden change, her eyes widen and she quickly wraps the shawl around herself for modesty. "Solmyr! What did you do? This isn't my costume!"  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles and walks over to Sulia's counter. "Just adding a little more spice, that's all, m'dear. He glances over at Kagato and sees the once expressionless man now has his head tilted slightly to one side and a crooked smile at the corner of his lips. "He seems to like the new look." He gives Sulia a wink.  
  
Sulia: She gives Solmyr a disapproving glare. "Change me back this instant! I'm supposed to be a sugarplum fairy, not a belly dancer!"  
  
'Oink.'  
  
Solmyr: "You're not a belly dancer, Sulia. You're a genie. I could turn you into a belly dancer, if that's what you'd prefer, but they wear even less." He chuckles and a wicked glint comes into his eyes.  
  
Sulia: She gasps in horror and her eyes widen to saucers. "Don't you dare! You wouldn't!" She sputters incoherently for a moment.  
  
Solmyr: He takes this opportunity to speak again before she can reprimand him. "At least have a look at it before you decide you hate it." His blue bottom lip sticks out in a comical pout. "For me? Please? If you really don't like it, I'll change it back, I promise."  
  
Sulia: Her eyes narrow and she purses her lips, speaking through clenched teeth. "Fine, I'll look, then you change me back."  
  
Solmyr: "Could someone please bring us a mirror so Sulia can see how lovely she is?" He grins out at the audience and staff.  
  
Random Audience Member: "I have one!" A chubby young witch makes her way through the crowd and up to the stage, then pulls out a small mirror, as well as her wand, and enchants the little reflective item so that it grows to a full length mirror.  
  
'Oink, oink.'  
  
Sulia: She sighs and steps up to the mirror with her eyes still narrowed. She looks herself over, frowns slightly, then looks over her new costume again. She peeks left and right from the corner of her eye, then opens the shawl just enough to see the outfit underneath. The corner of her lip twitches slightly as her eyes slowly roam over the figure in front of her. "Hmm ..." She turns herself left. "Hmmm ..." Then turns herself right, raises her eyebrows and nods her head sideways. "Not bad, I suppose." She mumbles under her breath before facing forward again.  
  
Solmyr: "I didn't think you'd approve if there were any less material, but I thought this would be a nice change for you. You're a sugarplum fairy all year round, so I figured you might like something new just for one day."  
  
Sulia: "Yes, yes." She mutters, not really paying attention to Solmyr, but continuing to look herself over. "I guess I could try it for a little while, but if I don't grow accustomed, you'll turn me back, right?" She looks up at him with wide, yellow, hopeful eyes.  
  
Solmyr: "Of course, m'dear, of course! All I ask is that you give it a chance before making a final decision." He leans in close and whispers in her ear. "I've included something a little ... extra ... with the costume."  
  
'Oink.'  
  
Sulia: "Extra? What do you mean by 'extra' exactly?" She gives him a suspicious look.  
  
Solmyr: "Oh, would you look at that! It's time for more commercials!" He gives the camera another ear-to-ear grin. "We'll be back in a few moments."  
  
As the lights dim for adverts, Sulia can be heard in the background.  
  
Sulia: "Solmyr, what do you mean by extra?!"  
  
****  
  
An old shack looms in the distance and the fog floats down around it. A thin low music begins to play and a couple children walk by shivering and looking like they're about to either run or wet themselves. The shack suddenly shrieks and the children shriek as well while running away ... one obviously with a wet bottom. An ominous voice begins to speak.  
  
BW: "Do you want to be scared? Do you want to scream in fear? Of course you do." A bald wizard with wrinkly green tinged skin appears and grins showing yellowed teeth. "The shrieking shack will make you scream. Why go to another cheap haunted house when you can see the real thing?" He tilts his head back and starts to laugh insanely, the shack shrieks again a couple times and the commercial fades as the wizard continues to laugh.  
  
****  
  
A thin, wiry looking wizard with scraggly grey hair shows up in the fire, steepling his fingers. There is a mocking sneer on his face.  
  
TWW: "You want a real costume for Halloween? You can be the costume with a Polyjuice potion. In fact you can be anyone you want." He pulls out a vial of a thick pea green liquid. "Be the envy of your friends." He waggles his eyebrow and his voice drops low. "Be your friends if you really want to impress them. Buy your potion at Renshaw's Apothecary at the end of Knockturn alley and be the first to spook your peers." The wizard waves the vial around again and he starts to fade. Just before it all disappears, a low disclaimer quickly says 'Renshaw's is not responsible for misuse of the potion causing mutation, injury and or death.'  
  
****  
  
'OINK.'  
  
Solmyr: He looks up into the rafters before noticing the camera on him and shakes his head. When he turns his eyes to the audience again he beams from center stage. "Welcome back, guys and ghouls!" He chuckles.  
  
Sulia: The white and gold skirt of her genie costume flares around her legs as she briskly approaches the host. "What is this extra, Solmyr? I'm not letting you get away that easily. You can't simply jinx one of my cauldrons, watch me chase after it, and expect me to forget our conversation!" Her cheeks flush purple with her anger.  
  
Solmyr: A nervous chuckle escapes him as he looks at the visage of Sulia. "Now, now, m'dear. You may want to calm down before something ... unpleasant happens." He tries to nod subtly to the camera while keeping eye contact with her.  
  
Sulia: "I am VERY calm!"  
  
Somewhere offstage a glass shatters.  
  
'Oink!'  
  
Solmyr: He clears his throat politely. "Of course you are ..." He nods in agreement, then places a steady hand on her shoulder. "Now, why don't you have a seat on the couch and eat some sweets ..." He pauses and mutters under his breath. "... preferably before you bring the building crashing down around our ears with your new found 'gifts'."  
  
Sulia: She squints her eyes at him. "What was that? What gifts? What exactly have you done to me, Solmyr ibn Wali Barad?"  
  
Numerous cracking and snapping noises are heard, followed immediately by a few squeals and thumps.  
  
'Oink, oink, oink!'  
  
Solmyr: "Oh dear ... Could someone please get those audience members new chairs? ... Perhaps something less ... breakable?" He turns his attention back to Sulia and begins rubbing her shoulder. "Well, you see, m'dear, I thought it might be fun to give you some .... uh .... flavour, shall we say?" He watches as one of Sulia's eyebrows nearly disappears into her hairline and one eye begins to twitch ominously. He hurries along with his explanation, quietly. "You see, instead of just looking the part, I thought you might have a spot of fun .... um .... being one."  
  
Sulia: "What?!" Her entire face turns a dark purple, her nostrils flaring. "Do you mean to tell me that you turned me into a-a-a gen ....?!"  
  
Solmyr: He quickly places a large hand over her mouth. "Erm, yes, I did." He looks on as Sulia's eyes seem dangerously close to popping out of her skull and she begins to squirm violently trying to escape his grasp. "Don't worry, don't worry. It's only a temporary transformation intended for fun! Honestly!" When her eyes narrow to slits and her body slackens he finally relinquishes his hold on her. "I swear I'll change you back after the show. You have my word, and that's unbreakable." He blinks and looks out at the wooden chairs in the audience. "Too bad I can't make my words into seats for them." He mumbles.  
  
'Oink.'  
  
Sulia: She speaks breathlessly, but it adds a venomous hiss to her tone. "You'd better change me back, Solmyr, or I'll do what I can to figure out my limits with this 'extra gift' you've given me, then we'll see some changes with the snap of a ..."  
  
Solmyr: He chuckles a little too loudly for it to be in humour, and ushers Sulia offstage. "Yes, yes, I understand." He wanders back on to the stage, but instead of looking at the camera, he looks off to the left. "It's your job to keep people under control, Julian. Would you mind calming your sister down?"  
  
The camera turns to get a view of Julian in his Robin Hood clothes.  
  
Julian: He shakes his head rapidly from side to side. "Are you kidding? I'm not the brightest student at Hogwarts, but I'm not stupid enough to take on Su when she's that mad. Especially not after you've given her some kinda power. Uh uh, that's a deathtrap waiting for a victim, and I ain't it."  
  
'Oink, squeal.'  
  
Solmyr: He sighs heavily. "Well, hopefully she'll cool off while baking some sweets." He glances over toward Sulia and ducks just in time as a large porcelain mug goes whizzing past his head, missing him by an inch and shattering on the wall beyond. He straightens again and gives a lighthearted chuckle. "The lady has aim, I have to give her that."  
  
Offstage Julian can be heard muttering. "She wasn't aiming ... yet."  
  
Solmyr: He again clears his throat, then turns back to the camera with a grin. "Well, things have certainly gotten interesting. And as the Muggles say, my Spidey sense is tingling again." He dodges yet another glass without even looking, this one brushing his hair as it zooms by. "I think we're going to need to buy new kitchen supplies by the end of the night."  
  
A large figure clad in black moves past the camera toward the area the flying objects are coming from.  
  
'Oink.'  
  
Solmyr: "Oh good, a new target ... that isn't me." He glances toward the rafters again, blinks a few times, then looks out at the audience once more. "Alright, now that it seems nothing else will be directed at my head, perhaps we can show how our audience looks? Then I think we'll be just about finished for today."  
  
The camera spins around to show the people offstage, most of which are in wooden chairs and looking rather nervous, a few are sitting in metal seats but don't seem to be terribly certain about the sturdiness. Almost every person is wearing a costume of one type or another. There are a variety of witches and wizards dressed as Muggles, ranging from doctors to baseball players. 'Oink.' Others are decked out as animals of all kinds, and some, who obviously know something of Muggle history or fairy tale, are costumed as different Muggle characters. Some of the more comfortable members of the crowd look up and wave or smile cheerfully. The attention is soon turned back to Solmyr.  
  
Sulia appears at the corner of the fireplace, wringing her hands and looking distressed, but remains quiet as though waiting for her turn.  
  
Solmyr: He looks over in Sulia's direction. "Yes, m'dear?" He winces away slightly, half expecting to have something else chucked at him, but when she signals for him to come closer, he does as asked and leans down toward her.  
  
'Oink?'  
  
Sulia: She shoots a glare at the camera as it follows Solmyr's every move, then sighs and stands on her tiptoes to whisper something to him. Hers being the only voice quiet enough for unheard whispering.  
  
Solmyr: "Quite alright, dear, quite alright indeed." He reaches out and gives her shoulder a light pat. "You toddle on and make your sweets. I think you'll find that little gift of mine comes in quite useful for such tasks." He gives her a wink and watches as she bounces off toward the kitchen area again with a smile on her face. "And it seems that's all the excitement we have time for today. Thank you for joining us here on Witches and Wizards Today, and we hope you'll come back again soon! If you wish to be in our audience, send an owl to me, Professor Solmyr ibn Wali Barad at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry."  
  
'Oink, oink!'  
  
Before the lights dim, words float by near the bottom of the fire place in the form of the address Solmyr had just given.  
  
At last the house lights die down until only a soft glow is left, the camera tilts forward slightly, but the stage is still in plain view. Repeated oinks can be heard.  
  
Solmyr: "Holly m'dear, you really need to get that oinking under control. It nearly disrupted the whole show." He chuckles, utterly amused by the little sounds.  
  
Holly: "I'm really sorry, Professor, but ... oink ... something seems to be going ... oink ... wrong with this ... oink ... enchantment." Three consecutive oinks and a loud squeal follow her words.  
  
Solmyr: "Oh my. Well, let's see if we can fix that." He rushes off stage, much clanking and banging is heard. "You have to sit still. Stop wriggling!"  
  
Holly: "I can't ... oink ... help it ... oink! It's ... oink ... not my fault! Oink, oink!"  
  
A loud snap is heard, followed by complete silence for a few seconds.  
  
Solmyr: "There, is that better?"  
  
Holly: "How'd you do that? I'm not oinking anymore! Thank you, Professor!"  
  
Solmyr: He can be heard chuckling again. "It's quite alright, m'dear. Easy enough for me to fix. Off you go now, you're all done." He appears back on the stage and seems to be looking around aimlessly.  
  
Sulia: She makes her way onto the stage again and approaches Solmyr almost shyly. "Um, Solmyr? Could I ask you a little favour?"  
  
Solmyr: "Of course, of course. The show's over now, so I'll change you back, as promised." He raises his hand and places his thumb and middle finger together.  
  
Sulia: "No, no! I was wondering if I ..." Her cheeks turn a faint purple. "... if I could, well, keep this costume for one more day."  
  
Kagato: He moves up to Sulia's side, a crooked smile on his face and gives a slight nod of his head.  
  
Solmyr: "Ah, I see. Of course you may, Sulia." He gives her a wink. "Just stop by my office when you're ready to be transformed back to the real you."  
  
Aaron: "Is that bloody camera still on again? I swear I'm going to put a shoe up Remy's ..."  
  
The scene suddenly goes black. 


End file.
